Thursday, July 10, 2014

Family Drama

Thankfully I'm anonymous here. Here is a post with too much info.

I had a tumultuous childhood. I have 5 siblings and violent parents. My mother was very abusive, verbally, physically and emotionally.

Things went from bad to worse when I was 22. My younger brother drugged me and raped me in my parents house. He is a monster. My mother's reaction was just as bad. She basically said it was my fault too, even though I was found unconscious. She kept my brother employed by her and my dad because they had financial obligations. He still lives with them. She even lied to the police and refused to give them any information after I went in for a rape kit.

I turned to counseling several years after it happened to somewhat sort out my life. I have tried to do my best.

I cut contact with my mother almost 4 years ago when she wanted me to bring Lil Punk around my brother. We had a huge fight on the phone. She told me that I was a willing participant with my brother. I cut ties.

I got a voicemail from my brother today that she has a brain tumor and is going to have an operation.

What would you do?

I know this post is very convoluted. My stomach is in knots.

24 comments:

  1. I would do exactly what you have been doing for the last 4 years. No contact whatsoever. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she deserves anything from you after the horrible thing she did (siding with your brother). She called you a willing participant. That just boils my blood! Now the one thing I will say is if you decide to contact and/or visit her, make sure that the reason you are doing it is 100% for you and not just for her sake. Meaning if deep in your heart you want (need) to say good bye (in case she doesn't make it) then do it but not out of obligation to your mom. She's already burned that bridge. Wow... I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

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  2. ND, I am so sorry. Do you imagine gaining any peace or closure from contact with your mother and/or family? Because if your brother still lives with your parents, it's is probably best to maintain your distance. Her behavior toward you and unwillingness to accept or acknowledge how inappropriate and wrong - you are not a bad daughter for refusing to come forward to offer help or comfort now. In your shoes, I might send a card to acknowledge that you received the message and wish her a speedy recovery. You have a family of your own to protect now and should feel no guilt about not stepping up as you would in a regular family situation and relationship. Thoughts and prayers to you in this challenging time; I know it cannot be easy.

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  3. The woman chose her monster of a son over you. She made her choice. I honestly think you would come out of any contact now even more damaged and you don't deserve that. If you are inclined, pray for her. But don't go see her out of guilt. Like Kay said, if you decide to see her, make sure it is only because YOU want to and not because you think that's what a daughter should do. She gave up her rights to her daughter. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Sending many hugs and prayers your way.

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  4. I'm one who ALWAYS votes contact and resolve and all that jazz. BUT in your case I honestly think the very best thing for you is to keep away. It's almost like she gave you up for adoption when she made the decisions she made, despite you already being grown. And you have your own family now that loves you and cares for you. It's like they adopted you kind of, in a weird different way. I say stay away :(

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  5. Stay away. It is not worth it. I am only sorry this has caused you to be tied up knots over. Brain cancer can linger or be quick. For my grandmother it was 6 months and 6 months of being in contact is rough. If you need to say anything, send a letter and be done.

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  6. (((Love, light & prayers))) I would stay away... they are toxic.

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  7. I agree with Kay. So sorry you've gone through all of that, and I would say you have the right to feel however you want about this news of her health. Thoughts are with you.

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  8. So sorry to hear this. It makes me so sad. My advice?
    STAY AWAY.
    You've come a long way, going back would just be too painful for you. As heartless as this sounds, your mother made her choice. Now make sure you take care of YOU.
    My daughters have a very toxic father (my ex). They have now resigned themselves to just staying away...no.matter.what. It's been helping them.

    My prayers are with you, ND. Take care of YOU.

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  9. I'm really sorry to hear all that. That's just absolutely awful all around. One of my best friends had a toxic relationship with his mother as well (though the background story wasnt as bad, she ditched their father with him and his brother, went off and had another child to another man, and led a very bad life), and he cut all ties. Then somehow through the grapevine she learned where he was living, and someone contacted him that she was in her death bed. He did go there at the urging of a sister he didnt even know existed, and he says he regrets going. She demeaned him to the very bitter end and thought he was lying about how well his life had turned out. I personally would chime in and say stay away... Strength, hugs and best of luck.

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  10. Stay away my dear. Stay far, far away.

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  11. I agree with all the other comments, just stay away. Just because this has happened doesn't mean you should be drawn into this drama. You cut the ties for a reason, remember that....

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  12. I agree with the other comments. I wouldn't be surprised if you get more pressure on this. Big cheers for the way your are looking out for Lil Punk and changing your family history.

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  13. I would agree with everyone else. I sense you are torn by the 'what if ' thoughts if you don't go, but for you, I am more concerned with the emotional stress on you if you do go. This wasn't just a family squabble, but something much much deeper.

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  14. Funny how things turn out, right? I agree with everyone here: stay away. Let him rot.

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  15. Oh honey, this sounds like my life only my brother did not go that far, but I was abused and beaten and so were my sisters. We also had alcohol and severe drug issues with my brother and mom always blamed us girls and protected him. You need to go see your mother, do not take the kids at this time. You can forgive her and your brother, but you do not have to have any thing to do with him. I mean forgive him in your heart and move on. Do not let this destroy you or your children. But go see your mom, you will not regret this. I am here if you need me. Your brother will try to use this to ingratiate himself into your life as your mothers caretaker and savior because when she goes he knows his bread line is over, so he will search for the next one, don't let him be the hero.

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  16. This is an extremely difficult situation. I cannot even imagine what you have been through. I am sending you huge hugs and lots of good wishes from across the ocean. I agree with the other commenters. Unless you need closure for yourself, stay away. For the sake of your kids, keep away...

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  17. Thank you all for your kind words.

    I want to clarify a few things. The brother that called me is my older brother and I still have contact with him.

    I do not have any contact with my younger brother. He was in a bad car accident 6 years ago. He was drunk and rolled his vehicle several times. When he was on life support and unconscious, I went to see him in the hospital. I forgave him at that time. I also sought counseling then. Incest is very hard to deal with as you usually love the person that did that terrible thing. I have not had any contact with him since and I will not. I forgave him so I could move on. He has never apologized or acknowledged what he did. Also, he is in a wheelchair since the accident. It is unlikely he will hurt somebody else ( but I still would never trust him). Karma can be a good thing.

    I talked to my bff yesterday. I cried and we prayed. She helped me realize that I need to figure out what I am willing to do for myself. She knows how evil my mom is.

    Ironically, this has changed me in so many ways. Self-preservation is very powerful.

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    Replies
    1. You are one amazing and strong woman!! Hugs and prayers, my dear!!

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  18. I too have cut off my mother, and honestly, what would I do? Nothing. Whether sick or well, she treated me badly and will have to live with what she's done, which is me gone from her life. *shrug*

    I really wouldn't listen to advice from people with normal, healthy parents and families. They have. No. Clue.

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  19. Oh my dear! What a place to find yourself. A simple 'thank you for letting me know' is sufficient as far as receiving the news goes, but I have to agree with everyone else: don't go. You haven't said what the relationship with your other siblings is, but this is indeed all about what is best for you. If you feel the need for forgiveness at any point, you can do that from anywhere. Sending big hugs from overseas! xx

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  20. I wish there were words... Unfortunately this is a deeply personal situation and all I can say is that I am sorry. I'm sorry this happened, I'm sorry she wasn't there when you needed her most, and I'm sorry that she has never acknowledged the error of her ways. I don't know that there's a wrong answer here because you certainly don't owe her anything. Choose whatever you believe will bring you the most peace at night. Vaya con Dios!

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  21. I would not go anywhere near her. Such a betrayal by a mom is unbelievable to me. Maybe the brain tumor will dig out her humanity and maybe it won't but you have been through enough. Unless you want to go. Then go. You sound like an amazing person, so you just might want to go.

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  22. I'm so sorry. I truly am.
    I understand how a horrible childhood can make a mess of your adulthood. But I see it as we are warriors and will come out ahead because we keep trying and we keep doing the right thing. Just remember that you don't stand alone.
    I would say that you made the decision about cutting ties because of her actions not yours. Stick to your original decision. She didn't put you first when you were a child but now do the right thing and keep you first. This would be a no brainer if you were making a decision like this for your child.
    Hugs

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  23. I would not make contact with her. Put your own wellbeing and that of your family first and stick with your decision. I cut contact with a very abusive step- parent (physical & emotional) and was harrassed by family members to visit when they were dying. I did not go and have never regretted it. It will just open up old traumas that you've already tried your best to put in the past. stay away and take care ((hugs))

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